Category: the Rant Board
Even though this is a humorous piece, I figured since it had lots of truth and sarcasm in it, it would be too intense for the Joke board, so I'm putting it here. If the admins want to move it, they can, though.
satire: How To Get Along With People
I know there are millions of self-help books and lectures and texts and videos out there, but forget them! Forget all of them! Yes, and I'm talking about
Dr. Phil and Oprah, too! With these little tips I offer below, you will surely learn how to get along famously with all your fellow human beings, win friends,
influence people, and otherwise be a warm and wonderful person. Read these carefully now, else you'll just be a pit of misery and it'll be your own damn
fault, too!
1. Act like you are the only person living who has feelings. This means that you can hurt anyone else's feelings and it doesn't matter, because you did
it for only the right reasons. When others hurt your feelings, make sure and tell them how upset you are continuously and at great length. If you really
want to get to them, tell them that you'd bet your next paycheck that you would not be missed if you just up and died.
2. As often as possible, call people out for acting like hypocrites or living by double standards. This will give others the impression that you are such
a highly evolved, civilized, and overall noble person that you would just never ever do such things. Then go out and do the very same things you accuse
others of doing. If called on it, insist that they are fools and generally get defensive.
3. Again, as often as possible, read as much negative intent as you can from what anyone else says. Decide that most people are incinuating things about
you. Remember that you can only win by playing on your enemy's own level, so sling it right back at them. This will assure you your own glory and victory,
which is your ultimate goal in life above all else. If you do not win or are otherwise wounded, decide that you are unloved, and perhaps refer to item
1 in this list.
4. Expect all other people to be as noble, consistent, open-minded, intelligent, and honest as you wish you were. If they do not live up to your standards,
make sure and tell them so. These people will immediately comply to your wishes because they live to make you happy and your moral outrage really depresses
them muchly.
5. Blame other people for what goes wrong in any situation. This will give others the impression that you can never do wrong in any way and everything you
do is right and is done for the right reasons. Remember, if you admit your faults in any way, you will have no friends and will probably die soon.
6. Outside of the need to procreate, eat, sleep and basically survive, remember that image and reputation are vital for your survival. Remember that the
real person that you are is evil through and through, is so ugly it would make the Devil run screaming in terror, and really should have never existed
in the first place if it were an ideal world. You must hide this monster with a false image of a saintly and benevolent person.
7. When people act in ways you disapprove of, accuse them of not being open-minded, acting maturely, or other such things. It is assumed that if you say
others are not doing something, you therefore are doing it, making you the superior being.
8. Your opinion matters all the time in any situation. Don't worry if you state things too harshly for most people to handle or use personal insults to
make your point. Remember that everything you do is right merely because you say so, and those who cannot handle it are beneath you. Whenever challenged
on your style of expressing your opinion, tell people that you were *just* stating your opinion. Remember to emphasize the word "just." This will always
result in your detractors shrugging their shoulders and accepting your words at face value. Those who do not accept your words as mere opinion are obviously
thin-skinned little wimps.
9. Freedom of speech is absolute, as long as it is you speaking. If you do not like the way other people are expressing their free speech after following
your lead, complain loudly and constantly and play the victim. See, only you have freedom of speech, but others don't as long as it is about you or somehow
pertains to you.
10. If anyone tries to tell you that there are limits to the things mentioned in items 8 and 9, accuse them of censorship, living by double standards, and
perhaps playing favorites if it is appropriate to the situation. Start coming up with conspiracy theories and all those within earshot will suddenly take
your side and support you.
And here's an extra un-numbered item. When you are in an argument, and you have either run out of caustic barbs or are just tired of it for the moment,
anounce that you will not pay attention to what your opponent is saying anymore because you have better things to do. Then when your opponent slings another
barb of their own, start responding again, even though you just said you were going to not do it anymore. Refer back to item 6 for an explanation why you
must do this.
Those are just a few of my tips so you can get out there and communicate and get along with people. I hope you found them useful. There may be more if I
think of them, but perhaps there won't be anymore.
LOL!!! That's hilarious!!
I liked that one!
Brilliant!